"For me freedom had long since vanished. I felt so stupid because I did not notice until it had gone. When we married I thought she was a partner. She acted like a partner. So well did she act that I handed more and more of the decision making to her thinking I was being very "new man." Gradually I noticed that there were some things she could not handle so I tried to take over on those issues. That was when the ogre emerged. She had the power now and she was not going to let go of it...

...little by little making the decisions in the household was not enough. She had to dominate our thinking too. I was not allowed to hold a dissenting view about anything. After about eight years of this I was terrified of her. She had become this all pervading, evil and malevolent influence on my family and life. In hind sight I can see clearly where it happened. But hind sight is no good when your life has already been ruined. A lot of what happened to me did not make sense until I was handed a copy of "The Emotional Terrorist" by Errin Pitze ["Prone to Violence." By Erin Pizzey. -Ed]. That book really opened my eyes. I had been terrorised."

This mans poignant letter me is a very typical one. Though many are not so elquoently expressed, most carry the same message. Female emotional violence almost always takes the male victim by surprise and cuts so deeply it takes years to recover if recovery is possible at all. Typically, this man lost his three children and now can only pay for children he can no longer see. What scares him more than his wife is that the children's minds are being shaped by a terrorist and they will be trained to be like her. This is why we must never stop fighting to bring the female abuser and her techniques to the minds of those who govern us. They must listen. For if they do not, these women will breed a generation of abusive children who may become abusive adults. In just this one case that would mean that his two sons and his daughter could grow up to abuse two more women and one more man at least.

Think about that!

In the piece referred to above Erin Pizzey has the following to say:

"Those of us working in the field of domestic violence are confronted daily by the difficult task of working with women in problematical families. In my work with family violence, I have come to recognize that there are women involved in emotionally and /or physically violent relationships that express and enact disturbance beyond the expected (and acceptable) scope of distress. Such individuals, spurred on by deep feelings of vengefulness, vindictiveness, and animosity, behave in a manner that is singularly destructive; destructive to themselves as well as to some or all of the other family members, making an already bad family situation worse. These women I have found it useful to describe as 'family terrorists.' We have had thousands of international studies about male violence but there is very little about why or how women are violent.

There seems to be a blanket of silence over the huge figures of violence expressed by women.
Because 'family terrorism' is a tactic largely used by women and my work in the domestic violence field is largely, with women, I address this problem discussing only my work with women.

The potential for terrorism may rest dormant for many years, emerging in its full might only under certain circumstances. I found that in many cases it is the dissolution, or threatened dissolution, of the family that calls to the fore the terrorist's destructiveness. It is essential to understand that prior to dissolution, the potential terrorist plays a role in the family that is by no means passive. The terrorist is the family member whose moods reign supreme in the family, whose whims and actions determine the emotional climate of the household. In this setting, the terrorist could be described as the family tyrant, for within the family, this individual maintains the control and power over the other members' emotions. The family well may be characterised as violent, incestuous, dysfunctional, and unhappy, but it is the terrorist or tyrant who is primarily responsible for initiating conflict, imposing histrionic outbursts upon otherwise calm situations, or (more subtly and invisibly) quietly manipulating other family members into uproar through guilt, cunning taunts, and barely perceptive provocations. (The quiet manipulative terrorist usually is the most undetected terrorist. Through the subtle creation of perpetual turmoil, this terrorist may virtually drive other family members to alcoholism, to drug-addiction, to explosive behavior, to suicide. The other family members, therefore, are often misperceived as the 'family problem' and the hidden terrorist as the saintly woman who 'puts up with it all.')
While the family remains together, however miserable that 'togetherness' might be, the terrorist maintains her power. However, it is often the separation of the family that promises to rend the terrorist's domain and consequently to lessen the power. Family dissolution, therefore, often is the time when the terrorist feels most threatened and most alone, and because [most?] dangerous."

We need to consider carefully what Erin is saying here. I personally have enormous respect for this lady because she was hounded for saying these things yet, with enormous courage, she refused to retract. In fact, she is still saying them today.

Note her words:

"Such individuals, spurred on by deep feelings of vengefulness, vindictiveness, and animosity, behave in a manner that is singularly destructive; destructive to themselves as well as to some or all of the other family members, making an already bad family situation worse...

...I found that in many cases it is the dissolution, or threatened dissolution, of the family that calls to the fore the terrorist's destructiveness..."

Now consider, in the light of this insight, the behaviour of the vindictive ex wife refusing to allow the children and their father to meet, despite the court orders saying they can. Then often turning their hearts against the man they once loved to call daddy. In this light we get a glimpse into the kind of mind that is operating in these tragic scenarios. I am not talking here about women fleeing violence and persecution by an unstable man. Such men should never be allowed near their kids if the behaviour can be proved. I am talking here about women who often make false allegations of a violent or abhorrent sexual nature against innocent men. Or, who simply cut dad out of the lives of the children. These women are emotional terrorists.

Erin says, "There seems to be a blanket of silence over the huge figures of violence expressed by women."

Why should this be? Well, I believe there are several reasons. Most men are brought up in good homes with a loving father and mother. This love is a hugely powerful thing. It is also deeply symbolic -- they believe -- of women as a whole. Consequently, when these men get into positions of power they cannot conceive of females being any different from their idealised view of womanhood. With this knowledge radical feminists have manipulated society expertly to promote guilt in those same men, in order to blind them from the reality of the female emotional terrorist. What is incredible is the reality that many of the radical feminist persuasion are themselves emotional terrorists, but their targets are all mankind.

Another reason is that a mans very strength can become a reason to "overlook the mistakes of females." To do otherwise is to feel as if they are somehow bullying the poor helpless woman. This is particularly true if the man in question has been made to feel ashamed of his fellow man. This is not a new concept. In the Bible Samson was manipulated and undone by the fragile female form of Delilah. In giving away the secret of his strength he was blinded. Many men are in that same state today. This idealisation of women as gentle, helpless creatures is becoming ever more difficult to sustain in the face of powerful women in the professions proving they are not the weak and foolish creatures some men have believed.

Erin goes on, "The terrorist is the family member whose moods reign supreme in the family, whose whims and actions determine the emotional climate of the household. In this setting, the terrorist could be described as the family tyrant, for within the family, this individual maintains the control and power over the other members' emotions. The family well may be characterised as violent, incestuous, dysfunctional, and unhappy, but it is the terrorist or tyrant who is primarily responsible for initiating conflict, imposing histrionic outbursts upon otherwise calm situations, or (more subtly and invisibly) quietly manipulating other family members into uproar through guilt, cunning taunts, and barely perceptive provocation's. (The quiet manipulative terrorist usually is the most undetected terrorist."

If we reread the extract from the letter above this passage becomes chillingly real. The writer said:

"She dominated every aspect of my life and the lives of our children. For the kids there had to be 100% loyalty to her or she would lean on their little minds until they folded under the pressure and let her have her way. She thought that was, "loving my children." She always referred to the kids as "my children" unless she wanted me to scold them, then they would magically become "your children."

"For me freedom had long vanished. I felt so stupid because I did not notice until it had gone. When we married I thought she was a partner. She acted like a partner. So well did she act that I handed more and more of the decision making to her, thinking I was being very "new man." Gradually I noticed that there were some things she could not handle so I tried to take over on those issues. That was when the ogre emerged. She had the power now and she was not going to let go of it..."

Other men have told me how their wives or partners provoke huge rows and then, when the children are distressed, the woman sobs and weeps like a poor little lamb. Subtly undermining the father and painting him as a nasty and bullying figure before the children. Claiming exclusive ownership of children is another sign of potentially abusive behaviour that men everywhere need to be wary of. A woman who constantly refers to the children of the family as "mine" has already started to think of them without their father. The father, in the letter above, had met and married a terrorist.

For too many men living with an emotional terrorist is an everyday occurrence. It almost always ends badly because the support structures necessary to help these women are simply not out there. Neither will they be as long as women accept the role of perpetual victims the radical element of feminism insists on branding them with. As long as we, that's you and I, refuse to acknowledge the problem some families will continue to live in fear as a terrorist runs the family. For some men and children, 9/11 happens every day, but it happens to their minds. Raise your voice, sharpen your pens and say with me, "Enough is enough. No more silence!"

George Rolph is webmaster of Man2Man