The real gender bias we all face is a society that defines aggression
as "what men do," and nurturing as "what women do." This blinds us
to the equal aggressiveness of women, and, more tragically, equal
nurturing of masculinity.
In her book, Odd Girl Out, even Rachael Simons casually
refers to, ". . . the female orientation to relationship and
connection to nurturing and care-giving," as though they were one
and the same. This in a book whose very purpose is to expose that
what women do emotional connecting and personal relating can be
and is as easily used to aggress and bully as nurture. What women do
or their orientation to emotion and personal contact is one
thing, and very important. But how any one women uses it, when and
for what, is subject to personal traits and circumstance.
By the same token, our society considers the very phrase,
male nurturing, an oxymoron. Men just don't, only women do. Now
that's sexist.
This is a real, persistent perception error equally held by
men and women and equally damaging to all. It is especially damaging
to children because of what it leads us to either facilitate or
discount and frustrate.
What is male nurturing? If no image came as immediately to
mind as if I'd asked, "What is female nurturing," you know the bias
to which I refer.
I was sitting in a park watching a couple with their eight-
year-old son. Everything she said was along the lines of, "Be
careful," "Put your sweater on," "Look out," and everything he said
was, "Hey, look over there," and, "Let's try this."
Femaleness is comfort and safety; an inbound energy. It's
what men seek from women and children need from them. (If you think
men only seek women for sex you've been reading too much Freud.
Worse, you've sold out to a purely material view.)
Male nurturing is exploration and independence; an energy
that deals with the outer world and just as needed by children.
(And what women seek in men.)
The inner and outer energies, the yin and yang of life.
Children need direction and example in both, equally. How can one
be more important? Imbalance can be said to be when one is
emphasized over the other, particularly to the other's exclusion.
We must live with ourselves inside, but exactly to live in a world
that exists outside ourselves.
Why do we only call what mothers do, nurturing, when what
fathers do is just as vital?
Child development literature is consistent on many mother-
father distinctions across all cultures. For one, fathers play
physically and roughhouse far more with their children. While
our puritanical society (which one might call matriarchal when
it comes to children) dismisses play as frivolous, even created
the "Disney Dad" stereotype for resentment, and today's
puritans (a.k.a. feminists) call it "male aggression," the
truth is it is as vital as anything mothers do.
Dad doesn't use all his strength. Researchers have
realized that in this play-fighting children are learning give-and-
take, to read other's clues, dealing with chaos, self-control, and
fair play. They are learning vital social skills physically, the
way children first learn anything.
Fatherless children equally boys and girls are more
socially insecure, and throughout their lives have fewer, less
deep, and less lasting friendships.
Dad is critical to socialization and confidence in dealing
with the world, and that's just one part of male nurturing.
Copyright © 2004 K.C.Wilson.
K.C. Wilson is the author of Co-parenting for
Everyone, Male Nurturing, Delusions of Violence,
and The Multiple Scandals of Child Support, all
available as e-books
at http://harbpress.com.
