Welcome to Femlandia, fellow traveler! On today's tour, we'll be
visiting the enchanting place where the natives speak an exotic dialect
known as Fem-Speak.
To get around in Femlandia, you must master a little Fem-Vocabulary,
Fem-Statistics, and Fem-Logic. Are you ready?
There are three key words in Fem-Vocabulary. Pay close attention now,
because these words have different meanings from their English
counterparts:
1. Feminist: In the English language, "feminine" refers to a woman who
is polite, modest, and comely. But in Fem-Speak, "feminist" has the
exact opposite connotation: demanding, angry, and unkempt.
2. Equality: In English, equality refers to open and equal opportunity.
But in Fem-Speak, equality refers to statistical uniformity that is
enforceable with rigid quotas. Feminists will apply this term to women's
issues and concerns, but then will refuse to discuss it in relation to
men.
3. Gender: This word actually has three meanings:
a. Male or female biological sex
b. Social differences between men and women that are learned, as in
"gender roles"
c. Pertaining to the radical feminist ideology
Gender is one of the most popular words in Fem-Speak because no one
knows for sure
which
interpretation you are using. Just ponder the phrase,
"gender equality." Consider the many permutations of meaning this
innocent-looking expression contains!
In Fem-Speak, it is perfectly acceptable to use words and expressions
with female derivations, such as Mother Earth, mother-tongue, mother
lode, ladybug, sister city, "necessity is the mother of invention," and
so on.
But Fem-Speak prohibits any word or phrase with a male connotation, such
as mankind, manpower, middleman, or "man the ramparts." Breaking this
linguistic convention is a violation of what feminists call "speech
codes," and can invite the imposition of legal sanctions.
And did you catch my use of the word "master" in the first paragraphs of
this travel guide? My friend, that is a word you should never use in
Femlandia. Not only does it have masculine implications, but it also
contains allusions to the dreaded hierarchy.
Once you grasp the basic vocabulary, you are now ready for a lesson in
Fem-Statistics. Fem-Statistics is easy once you understand this one
basic rule: Always give percentages in multiples of 10 -- like 30%.
So what if the actual number is, say, 53%? No problem, you can round up
or round down -- whatever makes your statement sound better.
And what if that number doesn't feel right? Again, no problem. Use
whatever number you want! Remember that in Femlandia, truth is deemed to
be a linear, socially-constructed concept. So feel free to be creative.
Now on to Fem-Logic.
Fem-Logic can be described as any discussion that presents information
out of context, introduces irrelevant concepts, and eventually reaches a
conclusion that bears no relationship to common sense. And if you want
to elevate the statement to the level of Revealed Truth, just preface
your comment with the two magic words, "I feel."
This can be illustrated by way of example.
A couple weeks ago I heard some people talking about athletics. One man
was arguing that men are biologically stronger and faster, which gives
them an inherent advantage in sports such as sprinting. But the persons
from Femlandia said he could not possibly be right, because his
reasoning did not comport with the Fem-Speak definition of equality.
So after a few moments of thought, one person responded: "I feel that
women surpass men in endurance sports. We may not run as fast, but we
run more efficiently and have more pelvic strength."
Did you get that?
In Fem-Speak, it's perfectly fine to simultaneously espouse opposite
views. For example, you can talk about women being strong and
independent. And then you can turn around and argue that women are
victims who require constant governmental help and legal protection.
Femlandists see no contradiction in those two statements.
Finally, a word of counsel. In Femlandia, you should never question or
doubt the truth of a denizen's statement. For these persons are said to
possess A Woman's Way of Knowing.
Fem-Speak is a rich, emotive language, filled with subtlety and nuance.
And with luck, fellow traveler, all of us will soon be thinking in
Fem-Speak.
