Here's something I don't understand. Please accept my
apology for this unwanted ignorance. What is it about
turning 18 that turns a spoiled child into, well, an
even more spoiled child? Even more curiously, what
makes the spoiling parent suffer from the illusion
their brand new 18 year-old is finally a competent,
caring, and courageous adult?
The age of 18 in this country has nothing to do with
having suddenly reached mature adulthood. A child
could prove themselves practically unmotivated by
choice over the last five years in school, but once
the age of 18 is reached, you can bet the spoiled
child and the spoiling parent think (incorrectly) that
they have reached the promised land.
You see, it's a fact that being a step parent (or any
parent) to a teenager is a major challenge. Such is
adolescence. Such is life. Such is the way it always
will be. Like country singer Lee Ann Womack says, "I
hope you dance." Perhaps having it any other way
would be a cause for concern. You would have to check
everyone's pulse.
However, there is a reason why raising teenagers and
succeeding as a step family becomes an absolute
impossibility. Maybe it's not so much a "reason" in
and of itself, as it is the prevailing philosophy that
guides the family, and determines the future. Ideas
have consequences, especially in a step family.
I submit that the "As long as I just pass" philosophy
that too many children and parents share and live is a
path to destruction. Even at the ripe old age of 18,
this bankrupt philosophy can still lead children to be
forever hostile to a step parent's offer of love,
guidance, and financial help. The "As long as I just
pass" philosophy of life is most certainly empty on
expectation.
A sense of expectation is what brings not only step
families, but individuals themselves, together. Like
a united front. Like a flag waving proudly. Like a
pack of wolves on the prowl. There's nothing quite
like the bond that develops when a family unit is
respected and honored by children themselves. This is
so key, especially for step children.
Too often though, the age of 18 signals to everyone
around, that the family unit is allegedly no longer
needed. Nothing could be more misguided. Keep this
in mind, when you consider how many step children have
been allowed to live "the spoiled life." It all comes
right back to the reality that with freedom comes
responsibility.
The 18 year-old step child, (or any child for that
matter) who has been hostile to self-improvement,
self-actualization, self-worth, will not be "given"
these qualities just because they're now - 18. Again,
the age of 18 comes with an incredible amount of
freedom, but the age itself is largely just a number.
There are a great number of 18 year-old children and
their parents who are truly 18 only in - number.
I think that if we want step families (and all
families) to stick together for the long haul, if we
want children to succeed as adults, we must enforce a
sense of expectation in the household. Even a
household full of teenagers. No matter the cost.
After all, if children are not shown that with their
freedom comes their responsibility to be accountable,
than do we not shudder to think what these human
beings will be like in say, ten years?
I've always tried to live my life with this thought
process in mind. If you do the small things in life,
even when some of the big things don't completely work
out, you won't have to contend with a steady stream of
big mistakes. That is, as a parent always remain one
step ahead of your children. No matter how much
thinking you have to do on your feet.
We're all guilty of having been 18 and falsely
believing we were perfect masters of our domain.
Again, and only for the fact that our ID says we're -
18. Full of brand new knowledge. Full of brand new
ideas. Full of brand new energy. Full of - you know
what. And not even knowing it. Or more likely, not
willing to see how complicated life can really be when
you don't - listen.
So, if you get anything out of this column, let it
please be this. Hold your 18 year-old (child)
accountable for their actions even if by law in some
areas they're legally an adult. There is no
expiration date to parenthood and wanting to see your
children evolve into good human beings on this Earth.
Truth is, you don't need me to tell you that a step
family or family of any size is a ship sailing out to
sea if respect and accountability are not its most
sturdy anchors.
Zizza serves as Vice President for the State of Georgia
for the non-profit organization,
Parents For Label and Drug Free
Education.
